For six transformative weeks, I embarked on a journey that changed my relationship with anger, authenticity, and self-expression. I entered this journey carrying an identity carefully crafted for survival—one that made it safe for me to exist in the world and be liked. Through the process, I discovered a path to embracing the fullness of my being, learning that I get to decide how I show up in the world, rather than letting my survival mechanisms of hypervigilance, molding myself to what's accepted, or playing the "good girl" dictate my existence. This meant learning to use anger not as another survival mechanism, but as a conscious tool for authentic expression and emotional processing.
While the integration and emergence of these lessons learned is on going, here are the seven transformative practices that emerged from this powerful journey:
1. The Art of Dual Space Holding
I discovered the delicate balance of holding space through a practice of split attention:
- 25% bright principles
- 25% attention on me
- 25% scanning for group needs
- 25% group context
Attention on me: I've been experimenting with raising my anger and using its energy to hold focus and shift my attention where I want it. A key discovery was using anger to maintain awareness of myself, my body, my feelings, and my sensations - not to override them, but to create a strong container for experiencing them fully. I realized I cannot truly connect with others if I'm giving away my center of energy into the space or people to be "safe" - that actually leaves me disempowered. Breaking this pattern requires maintaining awareness of my own energy as well as maintaining awareness to the person and context infront of me.
Bright Principles: Simultaneously, I keep my awareness on my bigger "why." What am I serving in the space? What larger force wants to come through me and speak through me? In possibility management, we call these bright principles - for example: love, connection, kindness, clarity, dignity, empowerment. Staying connected to this "why" helps me keep my insecurities and small self at bay, particularly those voices saying "I'm not showing up good enough." Instead, I can focus on the mission I'm serving.
Group needs: Keeping my awareness on the group needs means reading the room - what's alive in others right now? What does the space need? What do the people in front of me need? What does this moment call for? I've noticed that spaceholding or being a facilitator is less about having a pre-planned script and more about seeing the necessity of what is alive in the present moment. We are working with what is, rather than what we want it to be. I have been called into deeper integrity into working with what is alive, right here, right now for me in this present moment.
Group Context: Although we are working with what is, holding space for a rage club is the context I'm serving. What distinctions, practices, and processes will expand your inner matrix and experience?
2. Landing Context with Groups
Anger has helped me find my voice. Finding my voice meant embracing the identity of an "angry and arrogant woman" - recognizing that what I have to say matters. It has helped me Identify what triggers me and therefore also what I find important. What need is not being met? What do I wish to see more of in the world that is not there right now? Instead of fighting against something, what am I fighting for? Understanding my personal story and its connection to the wider world we live in has been crucial to landing context of what matters to me in an authentic and impactful way to whoever is standing infront of me, in a way that is inclusive and builds intimacy. The mixture of speaking passionately with my inner fire and slowing down to feel the person/people in front of me has been key.
I am terrified of truly showing myself to the world warts and all. To become an angry arrogant woman I needed to take on a different shape. I've been experimenting with taking on different identities, and what behaviours, actions an version of me that feels confident about using her voice has. Instead of trying to become something other than I am, I step into a different suit and this is who I am.
3. Embracing Visibility and Taking Action
Using my anger to embrace visibility and take action meant finally doing things I've wanted to do for a while - not by pushing through fear, but by using anger to create a strong enough container to feel the fear and act anyway. It meant my fears weren't running the show anymore - I was. It also meant doing out of the box experiments like standing on a busy park bench in the middle of Amsterdam preaching about the importance of feeling and anger.
4. Harnessing Anger as an Energy Shifter
I learned to use anger as a powerful tool for moving energy, particularly when:
- Feeling depressed or unmotivated
- Needing to shift from stagnation to action
- Moving myself into a different emotional space
Do you want to experiment with this? You can join our free Wednesday morning online anger practice space.
5. Deepening Understanding of Commitment and Responsibility
Much of my tendency to hide and avoid visibility, I learned, stemmed from not being fully committed to the spaces I was showing up in. Being fully committed means being seen, taking a stand for something. This realization led me to re-examine how I commit to myself, to others, and to the work/activities I engage in.
This journey revealed new dimensions of commitment:
- Understanding the difference between committing to "tasks" versus committing to something larger. Task commitment kept me in a cycle of constant doing, rushing, pressure, and giving away my power to the "thing I need to do"
- Re-purposing my relationship to commitment as a process of becoming rather than doing
- Recognizing commitment as a mission - the larger why of what I stand for
- Defining success through embodiment of bright principles
- Learning about responsibility levels: child, adolescent, adult, and radical
6. Setting Boundaries and Taking a Stand
I learnt to use my anger to establish boundaries and taking a stand for what is okay for me and what isn't. My boundaries also show people how to treat me, and if I'm not comfortable being treated a certain way, it doesn't need to continue. It's been nerve-racking to implement these, and I have upset people in the process, and haven't always placed boundaries in kind and loving ways. It's okay to make messes and clean up after yourself.
I realized that setting boundaries is about creating more space for the things I WANT to focus on, and it has been about trusting what does or doesn't feel good to me and bringing it vulnerably into a relating space with others. Boundaries are more about knowing myself and my needs and what conditions I need to make sure my garden stays healthy. They are less about trying to control and place restrictions on others.
It's also led me to question, are boundaries really needed if we are communicating from a language of needs and our cultural and relational context engages from a place of radical responsibility?
7. Understanding the Darkside of Anger
So much about this process has been about de-conditioning my relationship to anger but it's also been about discovering when I'm using it unconsciously to destroy a space. I discovered the complex relationship between anger and other emotions:
- Using anger as a shield to suppress fear and sadness. Feeling my fear and sadness might make me "stuck" in depression, so I use my anger to keep moving... yet this just blocks me from feeling. Instead I can use my anger to hold space for my fear and sadness and allow for them to get bigger so they can be processed rather than repressing them.
- Recognizing anger's role as a protective layer to throw up walls. In this case I'm using anger to defend myself or persecute someone else for doing something I don't like. This indicated to me I haven't addressed something inside of myself, what's really going on? When this happens I've given my anger to the gremlin part of me to run the show instead of dealing with it consciously.
Channeling Concious Anger
Through these seven key lessons, I've discovered that anger isn't just an emotion to be managed or used as a shield, but a powerful force for transformation when understood and channeled consciously. It can either be used to suppress and defend, or as a tool to create space for our full emotional experience - the choice is ours. This journey has taught me that embracing the fullness of my being, including my rage, isn't just about personal healing—it's about showing up authentically in the world and creating space for others to do the same.
Love, Ines
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